Parents and children united

www.parentsandchildrenunited.com

Our primary focus is to empower family unity.  The secondary focus is working with families of domestic violence.  Our services will include the whole family (mother, father, children and other family members.)  Many families have been disrupted by many of life's issues, and we are here to help bring families back together being happier and healthier together.

Classes that will be provided:

Self-sufficiency classes to the parents
Domestic Violence Support Group

Dress for success

How to have a successful job interview

Budgeting

Stress management

Organizational skills

Parenting skills (women and men)

Nutrition & excise

Pregnancy classes

Abuse prevention (children and domestic)

Self esteem

Financial planning for college students

7 Tips for Effective Financial Planning for Traditional College Students  By mpacheco

 

Face it, students, there’s more to college than beer and parties. If you find yourself hunting for change in the depths of your couch — among the potato chip crumbs and perhaps an old sock or two — chances are you’re not handling your finances the right way. Being broke and living on campus can go hand in hand for most students, so it’s important you manage your money, and prepare for all your educational expenses.

With that being said, here are seven tips for effective financial planning for resident students.

Get a Student Checking and Savings Account

When you’re a college student, you’re eligible to receive plenty of discounts and benefits. Among the most advantageous of these benefits are free checking and savings accounts. Banks like to nickel and dime customers who have too many ATM withdrawals or who write too many checks. As a student, you can avoid these seemingly petty charges that add up quickly over time. Remember to sign up for overdraft protection, too.

Buy Used Books Online or Rent Them

As if tuition wasn’t expensive enough, now you have to worry about costly books. Depending on your major, your books could mean the difference between filling up on Hamburger Helper throughout the semester or starving on ramen noodles. To help cut costs, consider buying your books used from an online retailer like Amazon or renting them. If you buy them used, you can make some of your money back if the edition remains relevant (cross your fingers). And if you’re pursuing an online degree, you might have the advantage of digital materials for your courses which can save you money.
Here are few resource sites for textbook rentals:
FreeTextbook.com
ValoreBooks.com
Neboo.com

Study Hard and Earn Good Grades

If your parents hammered it into your head since day one that your grades would matter, they were right. Not only do good grades result in high academic honors, but they can also lead to financial rewards — and not just in the future when you start your career. Studying hard and earning good grades will make you eligible for a plethora of scholarships and grants that can potentially take care of your tuition, leaving you with more money in your pocket and less debt after you’ve graduated.

Take Advantage of Your Summers

OK, so maybe you haven’t been studying hard and earning good grades. If that’s the case, then you’ll likely spend your summers in the classroom trying to catch up to students who have been on top of things. If you’re not tied down to your college campus during the summer, consider getting a part- or full-time job. Spending the summer at home shouldn’t just be about hanging out with your family and friends; you should work and save up, too.
Internmatch is a good website to check out if you’re looking for a paid internship or an entry level job. If you’re worried that your summer job can hurt your Financial Aid, here is a great article on how your summer gig most likely won’t affect your aid.

Skip the Coffee Shop

Do you know what students rely on when they party too much, don’t get enough sleep, and try to ace that unexpected test first thing in the morning? That’s right, coffee. Although it might seem like a lifesaver, buying your coffee from a big coffee chain, like Starbucks, adds up. To find out just how much you’re spending, check out this coffee calculator. You might think you’re saving time by not brewing your own; however, think about how long you’ll wait in a line to order that Trenta coffee.

Avoid Eating Out All the Time

Another expensive luxury while in college involves eating out for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. OK, so maybe you’re not eating the recommended three meals per day, but that doesn’t mean you should spend your money at lavish restaurants like you’ve already graduated and moved up the corporate ladder. Like coffee, make your meals in your room or get a meal plan to enjoy the campus restaurants.

Find Compatible Roommates

Finding and living with roommates is a part of the traditional college experience. Believe it or not, you’ll save money by choosing people with whom you’re compatible. Although there’s no foolproof way to make sure you do, you should carefully pick your roommate(s). Not only will this selectivity help you avoid expensive and aggravating moves, but you’ll avoid running into problems that result from a roommate who eats your food or runs up the utility bill.

Doors are finally open

Good Morning,

I'm very proud to announce the opening of our non-profit Parents and Children United Foundation and Gateway Christian Resource Academy are finally opened for business in the Tampa Bay area.  Please check out our website at www.parentsandchildrenunited.com

Ways to save money with social media

6 Ways to Save Using Social Media

By mpacheco

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Social media has been growing by leaps and bounds. I’m sure many of you have multiple social media accounts and you interact with your friends and family members through social media on daily basis. But did you know that you can use social media to save money? Here are 6 ways you can turn your Pinterest account into money saving machine!

1. Lower your grocery bill

Not an extreme “couponer”? No worries, just type in “save on groceries” and you will find hundreds of “pins” about lowering your monthly grocery bill. You can find anything from full month’s menus that will feed a family of 4 for $400 a month, to creating ready crockpot meals out of in-season vegetables and “on sale” meats.
Do you love technology? Pinterest is quick to provide you with the latest apps that help track sales, make grocery lists, and download digital coupons. Just search “grocery apps” and Voila! You’ll get a collage of apps that aim to put a few more dollars in your pocket book by helping you find deals on food items.
Looking for ways to save on healthy eating? Here are 3 ways to eat well and save big!

2. You don’t have to get it NOW – sleep on your choices & save

Pinterest is a great environment not only for finding things you absolutely love, but it also gives you the opportunity to sort through your choices, sleep on them and then look for a bargain on that perfect item both on and off-line. We all know it’s never good to buy on impulse. There’s no harm with “pinning” on impulse! Create your clothing boards, favorite recipe boards, and home décor boards. You can even prioritize your pins and choose favorites or must haves. Pinning does not cost you a dime. Making premature purchase decisions can cost you hundreds of dollars.

3. Save on home projects

Are you looking to spruce up your home but think it would put a huge drain on your budget? Think twice! DIY & Crafts and Home Décor sections of Pinterest offer countless ideas on how to improve your home on a thrifty budget. Is your kitchen looking a bit tired? Are you dreaming about those granite countertops but you cannot spend thousands of dollars on the upgrade? Did you know that for less than $100 you could achieve the granite countertop look by simply using paint? Pinterest is a great place to find those DIY tips and step-by-step instructions. This simple idea will save you more than 90% of what a professionally installed upgrade would cost. How about refreshing your bedroom with a new headboard? You can search hundreds of great DIY headboard ideas, pin those to your board, and decide which one would look best. With a small investment, you could have a refreshed bedroom.
10 remodeling do’s and don’ts!

4. Beauty on a budget & great thrifty gift ideas

Staying beautiful could require a substantial financial investment… unless you are a Pinterest user! How about learning to use natural ingredients like apple cider vinegar, cornstarch or coconut oil to not only cut costs on store bought beauty treatments, but also to get much better, natural skin care? Pinterest has hundreds of natural and very low cost tips on anything ranging from whitening your teeth to creating your own skin toners, lotions or even eye shadow. Once you try one of those natural beauty treatments and find they work well, you could create great inexpensive gifts for your friends and family!

5. Save on doctor visits

Pinterest is a great place to find natural remedies for many common ailments. You can browse though hundreds of posts that offer home remedies on anything from the common cold, hives, cold sores, dry skin or even simply boosting your immune system…you name it! Instead of rushing to your local pharmacy for every ache and pain, how about checking out Pinterest first? You may find that your cabinets or herb sections of your local grocery store have a natural remedy for whatever ails you. In no way are we suggesting that Pinterest should take the place of a physician, but for common, mild symptoms, there are often effective at home treatments that are also wallet-friendly!

6. Pinterest – your new personal fitness trainer!

Would you like to get in shape but the cost of a gym membership or hiring a personal trainer is not in your budget? No problem! Pinterest is a great place to go to for fitness tips and plans for losing weight, toning, etc. The Health and Fitness section of Pinterest will help you save hundreds of dollars on gym or even fitness equipment while offering you a plethora of ideas on how to do quick workouts at home or even in your office! Combine that with great healthy recipes you’ll find in that section of Pinterest and you are on the way to better YOU at a minimal cost!

3 low cost ways to becoming mortgage free

3 Low-Cost Ways to Becoming Mortgage FREE By mpacheco

 

Would you like to know how to slice years off of your mortgage payments and save thousands of dollars in interest, without getting stretched financially?

Anyone who currently carries a mortgage or anyone who is thinking about purchasing a home should pay close attention.

Here are 3 simple, financially feasible ways to help you become mortgage free!

Biweekly payments

One simple way to shave 5+ years off of your mortgage is to simply divide your current monthly payment in half, and make biweekly payments instead of one monthly payment.
If you’re paying $1200 every month, simply split that amount into two $600 payments and you’ll be amazed at the years and interest payments you can eliminate.
Word of caution: many banks will try to offer you a “biweekly” mortgage payment service, which usually has a fee associated with it. Do not fall for this. With a little discipline and good planning, you can do this yourself, for FREE!
Let’s do the math: if you have a 30-year, $200,000 mortgage and pay 5% interest on it, by doing biweekly payments you will pay off your house in approximately 25 years and save around $34,000 in interest!

One extra payment a year

Instead of making biweekly payments, you can decide to make one additional mortgage payment a year, either right after your tax return is received or whenever you get a bonus at work.
By choosing this method, you will maintain your regular mortgage schedule, and use any “extra” cash in order to make that one additional payment. In order to be consistent, pick a specific month each year that would be your month to make that extra payment.
By using this technique you’ll reduce your mortgage by 5-6 years, depending on your terms.

Additional monthly principal payment

If you do have some wiggle room in your budget, adding an extra amount to your monthly principal payment is the best way to reduce your mortgage, especially if you can find $100 – $200 a month to dedicate to your mortgage payoff. If you can’t come up with that amount, even an additional $25 – $50 each month will make a big difference.
Keep in mind that you should always focus on saving for emergencies first, then on eliminating consumer debts, and then on insurance and investing before you turn your full energy to tackling your mortgage. Once you’re free from all of your consumer debt (which most of the time will carry a much higher interest than your mortgage) and you have a solid financial foundation of savings, you’ll be able to focus on nothing else but eliminating your mortgage and continuing to build your reserves.

Tip for small business owners

Sure, you love your small business; it allows you to work on your own terms, control your hours, and pursue your passion. But there’s one problem: you constantly worry about money at the end of each month. If you can’t manage your expenses, no amount of passion can save your business. Try these tips to avoid overspending and get back to the work you love.

Change Your Workforce

Think about it: do you really need permanent staff? Salaried employees incur more liabilities and taxes (and even more office drama) simply by working with you every day. Hiring outside workers allows you to customize skills and labor to each project without committing to long-term employees (and if one doesn’t work out, you deal with fewer hard feelings, too). Temporary workers come in many forms; try virtual assistants for administrative tasks, independent contractors or temp employees for specialized projects, interns for menial or hands-on work, and commission-based workers for sales jobs.

Take Marketing to the Web

If you haven’t made an effort to build an online presence yet, drop everything and start now. Many of the best outlets for reaching your customers online cost little or no money — plus, you can react quickly to business trends and talk directly to regular and prospective clients. Build your own website and reference it on company letterhead and emails (and anywhere else people will see your business name). Speaking of email, abandon your paper mailers and send email newsletters with sites such as MailChimp. Build social media accounts to reach customers on their level instead of using outdated print ads. If you need money for big projects, try crowdfunding through sites such as Kickstarter. And if you only run a physical storefront, consider selling items online with the help of PayPal or Amazon.

Slash Small Expenses

Image via Flickr by reynermedia
The little things do add up quickly — and if you paid attention to them, you could avoid hundreds (or thousands) of dollars in monthly expenses. Before you make any cuts, check your monthly budget for wasteful activity and ask staff where they see leaks in company spending. Don’t neglect the minute details; some business owners found savings by replacing bottled water with a water cooler, using scanned documents instead of faxing them, or substituting Styrofoam plates with dishes and silverware. These small changes can greatly reduce your environmental impact while lowering monthly bills.

Travel Smart

If your business requires extensive travel, you know that costs can add up quickly — but a few small changes can dramatically cut your monthly travel expenses. If you fly out-of-town often, you may benefit from airline and hotel loyalty programs, as well as credit cards that accrue points or miles. For road warriors, try rent-as-you-go services like Zipcar instead of purchasing a company vehicle that sits idle for most of the month; ride-share programs such as Zimride can also lower gas and maintenance fees. Research extra tax breaks outside of typical travel expenses, since you may be able to make partial deductions from meals or tips on the road. Of course, staying at home cuts more travel costs than anything; try video chats with Skype or FaceTime to avoid a suitcase altogether.

Manage Money Online

Between credit cards, everyday expenses, and taxes, losing track of payments could land you in trouble. By using your computer and smartphone to watch your monthly funds, you’ll ensure you won’t forget a single dollar. Download FREE financial apps like Mvelopes in order to help you stay on top of your personal finances and always be on the same financial page with your spouse, regardless of where you are!
Turn that passion for your small business into action; you can make dozens of adjustments to lower your monthly costs without sacrificing excess time or money. With changes to your employees, marketing, travel, and finance management, you can get back to focusing on more important work.

How to save $1000 in 5 months

Limit Your Grocery Budget to $400 a Month and Build Your Emergency Fund!

Most Americans spend anywhere from $600 – $720 a month on groceries–that’s according to a recent Gallup poll. Food is, by far, the second largest expense for most of us, outside of our rent or mortgage payment.
Over 60% of us don’t have a $1000 emergency savings fund; hence, we are not prepared to face even a small financial emergency. Building a $1000 cash reserve is a critical step that will help you move towards financial freedom. So how can you do this without having to spend endless hours on reworking your budget?
One, easy way to start building your emergency fund is to take a fresh look at this second highest budget category, your food budget, and find ways to put a hard limit on how much you spend every month on feeding your family.
You may be thinking that this will require you and your loved ones to live on bread and water, but that’s really not true.
We’ve compiled some great resources to help you limit your food budget to $400 a month for a family of 4. if you’ve been spending $600+ on groceries before, this one small change will free up $200+ a month that you can start setting aside for your $1000 emergency fund. In 5 months or less, you can be sitting on $1000 of savings you never knew you had!

Aldi + Meal Planning

You already know this, but going grocery shopping without a firm list is a big no-no. What’s even better is planning all of your meals ahead of time and going shopping with your weekly menu in hand. Combine your weekly planning with a great discount store like Aldi, and you have a winning combination. Keep in mind that, because Aldi is already deeply discounted, you won’t be able to use any coupons while shopping there.
We found one mom who’s able to feed her family for less than $50 a week by buying groceries at Aldi. In her post, she provides you with a list of groceries as well as 6 dinner recipes. If you have limited time, you can follow this mom’s meal plan, or make your own, if you have as little more creative energy. The bottom line is this: spending one hour a week planning can save your $200 a month or more. We think it’s a great investment of your time.

Make Your Breakfast (less than $0.50 per serving or $15 per month!)

If you’re in the habit of stopping by to grab a “quick” muffin or biscuit in the morning, you should start making your own! You can get 6 english muffins and a dozen eggs for less than $4 total. If you ate one egg muffin a day for the entire month, your breakfast would cost you a whopping $15!
Other extremely cheap and nutritious breakfast options include oatmeal, cottage cheese & fruit, and making your own pancakes or waffles during the weekend, which you can freeze and use for the entire week.
If you plan your menu well, your breakfast items for a family of 4 should not run you more than $60 – $70 a month, and that includes occasional splurges on bacon, breakfast sausage, etc.

$7 Dinner Challenge

Dinners, by far, will be your most costly meals, but what if you could stick to a price-tag of $7 / dinner for a family of four? If you can do that, you’ll spend $210 a month on your dinners.
You may be thinking that $7 is not enough, but let me assure you, you can make really good, well-rounded meals for $7. We’ve started a Pinterest board dedicated to Meals on a Budget where you can find tasty recipes for as little as $5 for a family of four! Follow us on Pinterest and you can get regular updates with tasty, budget-friendly recipes.
Here are a few tips on making thrifty dinners:
- Be careful which cuts of meat you choose. Buying 4 chicken quarters is much cheaper than purchasing chicken breasts. So you can still have chicken dinners but for half the price!
- Soups are insanely cheap. You can pick one day a week and call it your “Soup Sunday,” for example. Serving a bowl of tomato basil soup with a simple grill cheese will be delicious and inexpensive.
- How about introducing meatless dishes? Veggie fried rice is super easy, super delicious and super cheap to make. You can even make enough to have leftovers, and all under your $7 budget!
Between keeping your dinners at $210 a month and your breakfast at $60 or $70, you’ll have $120 left for lunches!

BOGO + Coupons + Loyalty

If you don’t have an Aldi or another deep discount store close by, i’m sure your traditional grocery store is running BOGO (Buy One Get One) sales all the time. If you are not taking advantage of BOBO’s, you should! They can save you a ton on food and toiletries, especially if you combine them with coupons.
If you don’t have the time or the energy to cut out coupons, that’s OK! Make technology your friend. Consumer Report released a list of best coupon apps for both Android and iPhone that will help you save additional dollars without a whole lot of effort on your part. Check those apps out and let us know how they perform for you!
As always, combine your savvy shopping with Mvelopes budget planning, and you will be on your way to save your $1000 in no time, just by changing your meal strategy.
With Mvelopes, you can create one envelope for groceries OR you could create 3 envelopes, one for breakfast, one for dinner, and one for lunch items. It would require a little more managment, but this way you could track your spending in more detail, which makes it a lot easier to make targeted adjustments to stay on track.

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5 Budgeting Tips

5 Budgeting Tips for Singles By Mary Hiers
It doesn’t matter whether you make $20,000 per year or $200,000 per year. Having a budget will improve your life in the long term.
Unfortunately, the term “budgeting” makes people think of limiting their fun and restricting their choices, but if you take the holistic view, budgeting actually helps relieve constraints and increase life choices.
The financial needs of single people differ from the needs of couples and families, and the needs of single parents obviously differ from those of the single person without dependents.
However, there are several solid budgeting principles that apply to single people of all ages, incomes, and life situations, like these five.

Building an Emergency Fund is Critical

Conventional wisdom says you need half a year’s worth of living expenses socked away for emergencies, but keep in mind that the higher your salary, the longer it generally takes to find a comparable job.
According to the Boston Globe, a general rule of thumb is that it takes one month of job search for every $10,000 you were earning.
Place emergency funds where they can be accessed quickly and without penalty if you need them. Money market accounts and high-interest savings accounts are good choices.
Start your emergency fund even if you can only spare a few dollars monthly.
Any emergency savings is better than none, and if you use direct deposit you’ll be surprised at how little you miss the money you set aside.

Assess Your Need for Life Insurance

If you are a single parent, you need life insurance in the amount of at least ten times your annual salary. Young, healthy people generally pay low premiums.
If you don’t have dependents, but worry that a family member would be burdened by burial and legal costs if you were to die, then you should consider purchasing a term life insurance policy in an amount sufficient to deal with your estate and burial.
Lifehacker has some informative guidelines for determining how much life insurance you need.

Start Saving for Retirement as Soon as Possible

If you’re a young single person, start saving for retirement now.
When you start saving for retirement in your twenties, you set yourself up for a far more comfortable retirement than if you start in your thirties.
Furthermore, as a younger investor, you can take more risk with your 401K portfolio than older people can, and should some of your risks not pay off, you still have plenty of time to recover.
If your employer matches 401K contributions, do not pass up this opportunity.
Those 401K matching benefits are the closest thing you’ll get to free money, and they really add to your personal wealth over the decades.

Use Bi-Weekly Paychecks to Your Advantage

If you are paid bi-weekly, you have another easy opportunity to boost your savings.
Rather than depositing money into savings at the beginning or end of each month, have savings automatically withdrawn from your paycheck.
Chances are you won’t miss it, and at the end of the year you’ll essentially have an extra month’s worth of savings in the bank since you have 26 pay periods in a year.
If you buy a house and can arrange bi-weekly mortgage payments, it’s also a terrific way to pare down that principal over the years.

Never Assume that Marriage Will Fix Your Finances

Don’t think of single life as a precursor to “real” life that involves getting married and having children.
Manage your money effectively as a single person, and don’t ever get into the mindset of, “I’ll budget when I’m married.”
The financial habits you develop now can have an enormous influence on how you manage money should you marry and have a family.
Going into marriage with an emergency savings account, a thriving 401K and limited debt makes the future brighter for both partners.
Real life is right now. Don’t put off adult responsibilities until you have a ring on your finger.
Some single people, particularly very young ones, mistakenly think budgeting is unnecessary if they keep the bills up to date and don’t abuse their credit.
However, the financial habits you develop as a young adult have a massive impact on your future.
Budgeting now will make life easier should you buy a house, get married, or have children, and it can make the difference between a comfortable retirement and a retirement that requires a lot of sacrifices.

Freedom

Freedom

Freedom is measured in so many ways. It may mean having the ability to come and go as you please with no accountability to another, or to make your own decisions about what you want. Small steps, such as a wheelchair ramp, or larger steps like leaving a former safe haven and striking out for the unknown, all represent different types of freedom, as does taking the liberty to speak your mind and think your thoughts without fear of repercussion. So many times, though, freedom gets confused with escaping or running away. True freedom comes from having a sense of running toward something, not from something.

Burdens of our past and present lives can keep us from feeling truly free. We all carry reminders of hated restrictions imposed on us as children by seemingly unfeeling adults, convinced that they had forgotten completely what it was like to be young. Don’t we all long for the carefree days of youth, only to be followed quickly by the remembrance of our anxiousness to grow up? Growing up in an abusive or otherwise unloving environment can keep us from allowing ourselves to become emotionally available to others, locking us in a self-made prison. Only the awareness of the causes of our pain can begin to cleanse us of our reluctance to open ourselves to others and to take steps to create the lifestyle we desire.

True freedom also comes from letting go of all concerns of appearances or approval from others, of having full faith that we are exactly who we are for a very special reason, and that unless we realize that only we alone can dictate a full sense of freedom for ourselves inwardly, we will always seek it outside of ourselves. We find that random actions, another person or another place cannot make us feel free; it is entirely in our hearts and minds, and that acting on our pure knowledge of self will bring us the freedom we crave.

Carina Bachman

How to Cut Your Losses and Move On

How to Cut Your Losses and Move On By Leadership Freak

Trajectory predicts the future.

Minimize the negative impact of laggards by managing them up or out. Give employees on the rise freedom, opportunity, authority, and position.

Experience suggests you have, on average, a 60/40 chance of getting people-decisions right.

You hired them. You’re reluctant to acknowledge that their trajectory points downward.

Hope blinds leaders to hard realities.

Track trajectory:

Every person has trajectory.

Don’t go down with people who are going down. Lift them up or out.

Downward trajectory begins with attitude.

Watch for:

1. Inverted navals. Everything’s about me. I can’t get out of myself.
2. Black holes. Its not that bad. Its horrid!
3. Fat heads. I always know.
4. Life-vesties. Please don’t rock the boat. Change makes my belly hurt.
5. Finger pointers. I didn’t do anything wrong. But, they did!
6. Foot-draggers. I’ll get to that later. Much later!
7. Peacocks. You’re lucky to have me. I’m entitled.

Trajectory is about attitude not skill.

Pour energy into those with passion to improve; cut your loses with those who don’t.

Manage out:

1. Compassion and opportunity to change trajectory.
2. Clarity regarding performance and expectations.
3. Increased oversight and firm accountability.
4. Fewer opportunities.
5. Demotion
6. Removal.

Push laggards to the fringes and major contributors to the center.

Place your hope in people on the rise.

5 foundations of hope:

1. Recent performance.
2. Aspiration for development.
3. Drive to make a difference.
4. Taking responsibility.
5. Elevating projects to new levels.

7 requirements for upward trajectory:

1. Openness to learn, which includes willingness to acknowledge failure.
2. Unreserved buy-in to mission and vision.
3. Transparency regarding motives and intentions.
4. Clear – agreed upon – expectations.
5. Commitment to service.
6. Leveraging their sweet spot where opportunity, passion, and skill converge.
7. Consistent feedback, along with openness to receive it.

Honor people with upward trajectory. You get what you honor

Learning to say "No"

Do you have difficulty saying “no”? Are you always trying to be nice to others at the expense of yourself?

Well, you’re not alone. In the past, I was not good at saying “no”, because I didn’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings.
For example, whenever I get requests for help, I would attend to them even though I had important work to do. Sometimes the requests would drag to 2-3 hours or even beyond. At the end of the day, I would forgo sleep to catch up on my work. This problem of not knowing how to say “no” also extended to my clients, business associates and even sales people.
After a while, I realized all these times of not saying “no” (when I should) were not helping me at all. I was spending a lot of time and energy for other people and not spending nearly as much time for myself. It was frustrating especially since I brought it upon myself. I slowly realized if I wanted personal time, I needed to learn to say “no”.

Why We Find It Hard To Say “No”

To learn to say “No”, we have to first understand what’s resisting us about it. Below are common reasons why people find it hard to say no:

1. You want to help. You are a kind soul at heart. You don’t want to turn the person away and you want to help where possible, even if it may eat into your time.
2. Afraid of being rude. I was brought up under the notion that saying “No”, especially to people who are more senior, is rude. This thinking is common in Asia culture, where face-saving is important. Face-saving means not making others look bad (a.k.a losing face).
3. Wanting to be agreeable. You don’t want to alienate yourself from the group because you’re not in agreement. So you confirm to others’ requests.
4. Fear of conflict. You are afraid the person might be angry if you reject him/her. This might lead to an ugly confrontation. Even if there isn’t, there might be dissent created which might lead to negative consequences in the future.
5. Fear of lost opportunities. Perhaps you are worried saying no means closing doors. For example, one of my clients’ wife was asked to transfer to another department in her company. Since she liked her team, she didn’t want to shift. However, she didn’t want to say no as she felt it would affect her promotion opportunities in the future.
6. Not burning bridges. Some people take “no” as a sign of rejection. It might lead to bridges being burned and relationships severed.

If you nodded to any of the reasons, I’m with you. They applied to me at one point or another. However, in my experience dealing with people at work and in life, I realized these reasons are more misconceptions than anything. Saying “No” doesn’t mean you are being rude; neither does it mean you are being disagreeable. Saying “No” doesn’t mean there will be conflict nor that you’ll lose opportunities in the future. And saying no most definitely doesn’t mean you’re burning bridges. These are all false beliefs in our mind.
At the end of the day, it’s about how you say “no”, rather than the fact you’re saying no, that affects the outcome. After all, you have your own priorities and needs, just like everyone has his/her own needs. Saying no is about respecting and valuing your time and space. Say no is your prerogative.

7 Simple Ways To Say “No”

Rather than avoid it altogether, it’s all about learning the right way to say no. After I began to say no to others, I realized it’s really not as bad as I thought. The other people were very understanding and didn’t put up any resistance. Really, the fears of saying no are just in our mind.
If you are not sure how to do so, here are 7 simple ways for you to say no. Use the method that best meets your needs in the situation.
1. “I can’t commit to this as I have other priorities at the moment.”
If you are too busy to engage in the request/offer, this will be applicable. This lets the person know your plate is full at the moment, so he/she should hold off on this as well as future requests. If it makes it easier, you can also share what you’re working on so the person can understand better. I use this when I have too many commitments to attend to.
2. “Now’s not a good time as I’m in the middle of something. How about we reconnect at X time?”
It’s common to get sudden requests for help when you are in the middle of something. Sometimes I get phone calls from friends or associates when I’m in a meeting or doing important work. This method is a great way to (temporarily) hold off the request. First, you let the person know it’s not a good time as you are doing something. Secondly, you make known your desire to help by suggesting another time (at your convenience). This way, the person doesn’t feel blown off.
3. “I’d love to do this, but …”
I often use this as it’s a gentle way of breaking no to the other party. It’s encouraging as it lets the person know you like the idea (of course, only say this if you do like it) and there’s nothing wrong about it. I often get collaboration proposals from fellow bloggers and business associates which I can’t participate in and I use this method to gently say no. Their ideas are absolutely great, but I can’t take part due to other reasons such as prior commitments (#1) or different needs (#5).
4. “Let me think about it first and I’ll get back to you.”
This is more like a “Maybe” than a straight out “No”. If you are interested but you don’t want to say ‘yes’ just yet, use this. Sometimes I’m pitched a great idea which meets my needs, but I want to hold off on committing as I want some time to think first. There are times when new considerations pop in and I want to be certain of the decision before committing myself. If the person is sincere about the request, he/she will be more than happy to wait a short while. Specify a date / time-range (say, in 1-2 weeks) where the person can expect a reply.
If you’re not interested in what the person has to offer at all, don’t lead him/her on. Use methods #5, #6 or #7 which are definitive.
5. “This doesn’t meet my needs now but I’ll be sure to keep you in mind.”
If someone is pitching a deal/opportunity which isn’t what you are looking for, let him/her know straight-out that it doesn’t meet your needs. Otherwise, the discussion can drag on longer than it should. It helps as the person know it’s nothing wrong about what he/she is offering, but that you are looking for something else. At the same time, by saying you’ll keep him/her in mind, it signals you are open to future opportunities.
6. “I’m not the best person to help on this. Why don’t you try X?”
If you are being asked for help in something which you (i) can’t contribute much to (ii) don’t have resources to help, let it be known they are looking at the wrong person. If possible, refer them to a lead they can follow-up on – whether it’s someone you know, someone who might know someone else, or even a department. I always make it a point to offer an alternate contact so the person doesn’t end up in a dead end. This way you help steer the person in the right place.
7. “No, I can’t.”
The simplest and most direct way to say no. We build up too many barriers in our mind to saying no. As I shared earlier in this article, these barriers are self-created and they are not true at all. Don’t think so much about saying no and just say it outright. You’ll be surprised when the reception isn’t half as bad as what you imagined it to be.
Learn to say no to requests that don’t meet your needs, and once you do that you’ll find how easy it actually is. You’ll get more time for yourself, your work and things that are most important to you. I know I do and I’m happy I started doing that.

Written by Celestine Chua
 

Depression in women

Depression in Women (Causes, Symptoms, and Treatment)

Depression is not "one size fits all," particularly when it comes to the genders. Not only are women more prone to depression than men, but the causes of female depression and even the pattern of symptoms are often different.

Many factors contribute to the unique picture of depression in women—from reproductive hormones to social pressures to the female response to stress. Learning about these factors can help you minimize your risk of depression and treat it more effectively.

In This Article:

• Depression in women
• Signs and symptoms
• Causes of depression in women
• Risks factors for depression in women
• Treating depression in women
• Premenstrual dysphoric disorder
• Related links for depression in women
• Resources and references

Understanding depression in women

Depression is a serious condition that can impact every area of your life. It can affect your social life, relationships, career, and sense of self-worth and purpose. And for women in particular, depression is common. In fact, according to the National Mental Health Association, about one in every eight women will develop depression at some point during her lifetime.
If you’re feeling sad, guilty, tired, and just generally “down in the dumps,” you may be suffering from major depression. But the good news is that depression is treatable, and the more you understand about depression’s particular implications for and impact on women, the more equipped you will be to tackle the condition head on.

Signs and symptoms of depression in women

The symptoms of depression in women are the same as those for major depression. Common complaints include:

Depressed mood Loss of interest or pleasure in activities you used to enjoy Feelings of guilt, hopelessness and worthlessness Suicidal thoughts or recurrent thoughts of death

Sleep disturbance (sleeping more or sleeping less) Appetite and weight changes Difficulty concentrating Lack of energy and fatigue

Differences between male and female depression

Although the signs and symptoms of depression are the same for both men and women, women tend to experience certain symptoms more often than men. For example, seasonal affective disorder—depression in the winter months due to lower levels of sunlight—is more common in women. Also, women are more likely to experience the symptoms of atypical depression.
In atypical depression, rather than sleeping less, eating less, and losing weight, the opposite is seen: sleeping excessively, eating more (especially carbohydrates), and gaining weight. Feelings of guilt associated with depression are also more prevalent and pronounced in women. Women also have a higher incidence of thyroid problems. Since hypothyroidism can cause depression, this medical problem should always be ruled out by a physician in women who are depressed.

Differences between male and female depression
Women with depression tend to:	Men with depression tend to:
Blame themselves	Blame others
Feel sad, apathetic, and worthless	Feel angry, irritable, and ego inflated
Feel anxious and scared	Feel suspicious and guarded
Avoid conflicts at all costs	Create conflicts
Feel slowed down and nervous	Feel restless and agitated
Have trouble setting boundaries	Need to feel in control at all costs
Find it easy to talk about self-doubt and despair	Find it “weak” to admit self-doubt or despair
Use food, friends, and "love" to self-medicate	Use alcohol, TV, sports, and sex to self-medicate
Adapted from: Male Menopause by Jed Diamond

Causes of depression in women

Women are about twice as likely as men to suffer from depression. This two-to-one difference persists across racial, ethnic, and economic divides. In fact, this gender difference in rates of depression is found in most countries around the world. There are a number of theories that attempt to explain the higher incidence of depression in women. Many factors have been implicated, including biological, psychological, and social factors.

Biological and hormonal causes of depression in women

• Premenstrual problems - Hormonal fluctuations during the menstrual cycle can cause the familiar symptoms of premenstrual syndrome (PMS), such as bloating, irritability, fatigue, and emotional reactivity. For many women, PMS is mild. But for some women, symptoms are severe enough to disrupt their lives and a diagnosis of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD) is made.
• Pregnancy and infertility - The many hormonal changes that occur during pregnancy can contribute to depression, particularly in women already at high risk. Other issues relating to pregnancy such as miscarriage, unwanted pregnancy, and infertility can also play a role in depression.
• Postpartum depression - Many new mothers experience the “baby blues.” This is a normal reaction that tends to subside within a few weeks. However, some women experience severe, lasting depression. This condition is known as postpartum depression. Postpartum depression is believed to be influenced, at least in part, by hormonal fluctuations.
• Perimenopause and menopause - Women may be at increased risk for depression during perimenopause, the stage leading to menopause when reproductive hormones rapidly fluctuate. Women with past histories of depression are at an increased risk of depression during menopause as well.

Psychological causes of depression in women

• Focusing on and rehashing negative feelings - Women are more likely to ruminate when they are depressed. This includes crying to relieve emotional tension, trying to figure out why you’re depressed, and talking to your friends about your depression. However, rumination has been found to maintain depression and even make it worse. Men, on the other hand, tend to distract themselves when they are depressed. Unlike rumination, distraction can reduce depression.
• Stress - Some studies show that women are more likely than men to develop depression under lower levels of stress. Furthermore, the female physiological response to stress is different. Women produce more stress hormones than men do, and the female sex hormone progesterone prevents the stress hormone system from turning itself off as it does in men.
• Body image issues - The gender difference in depression begins in adolescence. The emergence of sex differences during puberty likely plays a role. Some researchers point to body dissatisfaction, which increases in girls during the sexual development of puberty.

Treating depression in women

For the most part, women suffering from depression receive the same types of treatment as everyone else. The main treatment approaches are psychotherapy and antidepressant therapy. However, there are some special treatment considerations for depression in women.

Depression, hormones, and the reproductive cycle

Hormone fluctuations related to the reproductive cycle can have a profound influence on a woman’s mood. In light of this possibility, you and your doctor should always look for connections between your depressive symptoms and the female reproductive cycle.

• Is your depression connected to your menstrual period and a possible effect of PMS?
• Are you pregnant and struggling with complications and concerns related to the vast changes you and your body are undergoing?
• Are you struggling with the baby blues after recently giving birth?
• Or are you approaching menopause and dealing with hormonal and emotional fluctuations?

All of these milestones in the reproductive cycle can influence or trigger depression. It’s also important to consider mood-related side effects from birth control medication or hormone replacement therapy.

How depression treatment is different for women

Specific aspects of treatment must often be modified for women. Because of female biological differences, women should generally be started on lower doses of antidepressants than men. Women are also more likely to experience side effects, so any medication use should be closely monitored.
Finally, women are more likely than men to require simultaneous treatment for other conditions such as anxiety disorders and eating disorders.

Self-help for depression in women

Learn how to use your emotions more effectively

See 3-min. video: Developing emotional awareness

You can make a huge dent in your depression with simple lifestyle changes: exercising every day, avoiding the urge to isolate, eating healthy food instead of the junk you crave, and carving out time for rest and relaxation.
Feeling better takes time, but you can get there if you make positive choices for yourself each day and draw on the support of others.

• Talk about your feelings to someone you trust. Share what you’re going through with the people you love and trust. Ask for the help and support you need. You may have retreated from your most treasured relationships, but they can get you through this tough time.
• Try to keep up with social activities even if you don’t feel like it. When you’re depressed, it feels more comfortable to retreat into your shell. But being around other people will make you feel less depressed.
• Get up and moving. Studies show that regular exercise can be as effective as antidepressant medication at increasing energy levels and decreasing feelings of fatigue. You don’t have to hit the gym. A 30-minute walk each day will give you a much-needed boost.
• Aim for 8 hours of sleep. Depression typically involves sleep problems. Whether you’re sleeping too little or too much, your mood suffers. Get on a better sleep schedule by learning healthy sleep habits.
• Expose yourself to a little sunlight every day. Lack of sunlight can make depression worse. Make sure you’re getting enough. Take a short walk outdoors, have your coffee outside, enjoy an al fresco meal, people-watch on a park bench, or sit out in the garden.
• Practice relaxation techniques. A daily relaxation practice can help relieve symptoms of depression, reduce stress, and boost feelings of joy and well-being. Try yoga, deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation, or meditation.

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder

Most women are all too familiar with premenstrual syndrome (PMS). Unwelcome symptoms of PMS such as bloating, moodiness, and fatigue appear and reappear each month at the same time in the menstrual cycle. For most women, these premenstrual symptoms are uncomfortable but not disabling. But for up to one out of ten women, symptoms are so distressing and disabling that they warrant a diagnosis of premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD). PMDD is characterized by severe depression, irritability, and other mood disturbances. Symptoms begin about 10 to 14 days before your period and improve within a few days of its start.

Symptoms of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder
Feelings of sadness or hopelessness Feelings of tension or anxiety Panic attacks Mood swings and tearfulness Persistent irritability or anger Disinterest in daily activities and relationships	Trouble concentrating Fatigue or low energy Food cravings or binge eating Sleep disturbances Feeling out of control Physical symptoms (bloating, breast tenderness, headaches, muscle pain)

Self-help for PMDD

There are many steps you can take to improve PMDD symptoms. Many involve simple lifestyle adjustments.

• Exercise - Regular aerobic exercise can reduce the symptoms of PMDD.
• Dietary modifications - Changes to your diet may help reduce symptoms. Cutting back on salt, fatty foods, caffeine, and alcohol is recommended. Eating plenty of complex carbohydrates is also recommended.
• Nutritional supplements - Vitamin B-6, calcium, magnesium, Vitamin E, and tryptophan have all been shown to benefit women suffering from PMDD.
• Herbal remedies - Evening primrose oil and chaste tree berry are herbal supplements that have both been studied and found to be effective in the treatment of PMDD.
• Stress reduction - Relaxation techniques and other strategies to reduce stress may help with PMDD symptoms. Yoga and meditation are particularly effective.

12 Ways to Become Extraordinary

12 Ways to Become Extraordinary By Leadership Freak

Some leaders become extraordinary. But, average is normal.

You climb and struggle toward extraordinary. Mediocrity is a comfortable slide.

Pain is the point where average becomes extraordinary.

Extraordinary leadership requires:

1. Fierce focus.
2. Finely honed skills.
3. Fanatical commitment.

Extraordinary leaders are always falling short. Only the average arrive.

Average leaders:

1. Look for minimums. “What’s the least we have to do.”
2. Wonder why extraordinary leaders work so hard.
3. Ease up when things are going well.
4. Rest on titles and past performance.
5. Accept “good enough.”
6. Make excuses.
7. Drift, delay, and postpone.

Average leaders say, “Good enough.”
Extraordinary leaders say, “How can we be better.”

12 ways to become extraordinary:

1. Invest inordinate amounts of time and energy into self-development.
2. Endure ridicule from the mediocre. “I can’t believe you put that much time into your presentation.” “Why don’t you just relax?”
3. Despise mediocrity.
4. Enjoy constructive criticism, instruction, and practice.
5. Reject the idea you can excel at many things. Being a jack of all trades and master of none is unacceptable to extraordinary leaders.
6. Understand that falling short is normal when you’re reaching higher.
7. Deal quickly and aggressively with failure. Extraordinary leaders investigate their failures with a fine tooth comb.
8. Look for opportunity, not excuses.
9. Get uncomfortable when you feel comfortable.
10. Pressure yourself.
11. Become fanatical about details.
12. Fear failure.

Becoming an extraordinary leader means working when you don’t have to and improve when others are satisfied.

God's Perfect Timing

 I don't know about you, but I am an impatient type of person and like things done in my own way and in my own time. Are you waiting for God to answer your prayers right now? Maybe you are not waiting for God, but still things are not happening the way you hope or expect them to. Does it seem like your hopes and dreams are never going to be fulfilled? Maybe you are waiting to meet 'Mr Right' or you are longing to have a child? You want that promotion/job at work or you are desperate to buy your own home?

Sometimes it's hard to understand why God doesn't allow things to happen straightaway. An important lesson that I am continuing to learn each day is that God works things out in his own perfect timing. Trusting in God, I believe is the key to success and happiness in life.
Whatever the issue you are facing, first bring it to the Lord in prayer. Is it really what he wants you to be hoping for? Psalm 37:4 tells us ...

'Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart.'

Wow! What an amazing promise. If you delight yourself in God he will give you what you want, that is the desires of your heart. Don't get me wrong, He isn't going to start giving you the best cars, the nicest house and lots of material things, because God isn't concerned with those things. He wants you to 'delight' in Him, ie. to seek Him and to love Him and spend time with Him in prayer and Bible study. If you are seeking after God in this way, the desires you'll have will be to serve him and to always live according to what the Bible says. It is important that you trust in God's word and not rely solely on your feelings, for example, God won't give you the desire to date or marry a non-believer ... 1 Corinthians 6:14 ..'Do not be yoked together with unbelievers'.
God has promised to give you the desires of your heart, but it may take a while for those desires to come to fruition. Psalm 37 goes on to say ...

'Commit your way to the LORD; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him; do not fret when men succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.' (NIV).

Commit your hopes and dreams to God. The most important point to remember is that God loves you. You are His child and He wants the best things for you.
God will work things out in your life if you trust in him. It is possible that you may have to go through certain trials and wait for his answers ... 'And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.' Romans 8:28 (NKJV).
God has plans for your life. He knows everything about you. He made you. He loves you, as the following selection of verses from Psalm 139 confirms ...

'O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.'

Remember, God has plans for your life and wants the best for you. He allowed his Son to die so that your sins could be forgiven. In Jeremiah 29:11 is says ... 'For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'
The hope and promise that God gives us is that one day we will spend eternity with him in Heaven. This life on earth is temporary. What an amazing hope this is. But for now while we live on earth we need to seek after God and wait for God's perfect timing.
.

'But those who wait on the LORD Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint.' (Isaiah 40:31) (NKJV).

Wait on the Lord. Be patient. Trust in God's perfect timing and he will answer you. Then you will hear him directing you

'Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, This is the way; walk in it.' (Isaiah 30:21)

We need to wait on the Lord and trust that his perfect timing is best. God's word warns us not to try and speed things up and do things in our own strength ... 'There is a way that seems right to a man, but in the end it leads to death.' (Proverbs 16:25)
There is a right time for everything. A right time to get married, a right time to have a baby, a right time to do everything. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says ...

'There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven.' (NIV).

God's answer to your prayer maybe to wait for a time before he gives you your desires. Every gift that comes from God is worth waiting for. In the Bible, there are lots of examples of God providing women's deepest desires. In 1 Samuel we read how Hannah wept and prayed out of great anguish before the Lord for a child and God answered her prayers. In the book of Esther we read how God called Esther to a position of influence for 'such a time' and used her to save the Jewish people.
Habakkuk 2:3 tells us ...

'For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.'

30 ways to find TRANQUILITY in your DAY

30 ways to find TRANQUILITY in your DAY

IN A WORLD OF BUSY BUSY BUSY...
I'd thought I'd share these simple tips to help you find a little tranquility in your day...

1. Have a totally computer-free day ~ it's amazing what you'll achieve {other than work} and how you will unwind

2. Brew a cup of tea ~ the whole making process is actually quite relaxing

3. Pop some popcorn & enjoy that DVD you’ve been dying to watch {even if it didn't get great reviews}

4. Take an afternoon nap, in bed!

5. Listen to music {soothing, possibly without lyrics}

6. Relax near water {paddle around in a kayak, walk along the river, stroll along the beach}

7. Treat yourself to a spa treatment {pedicure, facial or massage}

8. Get a good nights sleep ~ sip a mug of warm milk before you hit the pillow

9. Take your dog for a walk ~ they'll love you for it and it will do you the world of good

10. Practice yoga ~ CLICK HERE for some positions

11. Gather a stack of magazines and allow yourself to flick through them at will ~ rip out anything you fancy

12. Cook your favourite meal and add a glass of wine {or two}

13. Order take-out and watch a marathon your favourite guilty-pleasure TV series

14. Take a bubble bath by candlelight

15. Snuggle!

16. Make cookies and enjoy them with cold cold milk

17. Do something creative – write, draw, dance – and allow yourself to get lost in the doing

18. Visit a new art exhibit ~ or the museum

19. Treat yourself to a cooking class ~ a great way to meet new people

20. Visit your local farmer’s or fish market

21. Allow yourself to laugh out loud

22. Go to a cafe and savour your coffee while people watching or reading the daily newspaper

23. Work in the garden – dig in the dirt

24. Bring fresh flowers home – place one singular flower in a bud vase by your bed and office space as well as bouquets in the family areas

25. Get your make-up done at your local department store {just don't buy every product they suggest}

26. Enjoy high-tea with a friend at a city hotel

27. Allow yourself {keeping your budget in mind} to buy those earrings, shoes or frock, that you’ve been lusting over

28. Visit a botanical garden and take a picnic basket {packed with wine & cheese}

29. Keep a journal {it doesn’t have to be about the day-to-day, it can be a list of things you're grateful for, favourite quotes and ideas that inspire you}

30. Savour the decadence of a handmade chocolate {or three} and just be!

Characteristics of Abusers

If the person you love or live with does these things, it’s time to get help:

• Keeps track of what you are doing all the time and criticizes you for little things.
• Constantly accuses you of being unfaithful.
• Prevents or discourages you from seeing friends or family, or going to work or school.
• Gets angry when drinking alcohol or using drugs.
• Controls all the money you spend.
• Humiliates you in front of others.
• Destroys your property or things that you care about.
• Threatens to hurt you or the children or pets, or does cause hurt (by hitting, punching, slapping, kicking, or biting).
• Uses or threatens to use a weapon against you.
• Forces you to have sex against your will.
• Blames you for his/her violent outbursts.

Characteristics of Abusers...Warning signs of potential violence:

• Abuser pacing the floor
• Clenching/unclenching fists
• Facial expression (glaring)
• Shouting/yelling

Always be conscious of your own safety needs in all interactions involving an abusive person. Do not meet privately with a violence-prone individual. If you must do so, be sure someone is available close by in case you need help.

Abusers frequently have the following characteristics:

• Often blow up in anger at small incidents. He or she is often easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really very angry.
• Are excessively jealous: At the beginning of a relationship, an abuser may claim that jealousy is a sign of his or her love. Jealousy has nothing to do with love.
• Like to isolate victim: He or she may try to cut you off from social supports, accusing the people who act as your support network of "causing trouble."
• Have a poor self-image; are insecure.
• Blame others for their own problems.
• Blame others for their own feelings and are very manipulative. An abusive person will often say "you make me mad", "you’re hurting me by not doing what I ask", or "I can’t help being angry".
• Often are alcohol or drug abusers.
• May have a family history of violence.
• May be cruel to animals and/or children.
• May have a fascination with weapons.
• May think it is okay to solve conflicts with violence.
• Often make threats of violence, breaking or striking objects.
• Often use physical force during arguments.
• Often use verbal threats such as, "I’ll slap your mouth off", "I’ll kill you", or "I’ll break your neck". Abusers may try to excuse this behaviour by saying, "everybody talks like that".
• May hold rigid stereotypical views of the roles of men and women. The abuser may see women as inferior to men, stupid, and unable to be a whole person without a relationship.
• Are very controlling of others. Controlling behaviours often grow to the point where victims are not allowed to make personal decisions.
• May act out instead of expressing themselves verbally.
• May be quick to become involved in relationships. Many battered women dated or knew their abuser for less than six months before they were engaged or living together.
• May have unrealistic expectations. The abuser may expect his or her partner to fulfill all his or her needs. The abusive person may say, “If you love me, I’m all you need- you’re all I need".
• May use "playful" force during sex, and/or may want to act out sexual fantasies in which the victim is helpless.
• May say things that are intentionally cruel and hurtful in order to degrade, humiliate, or run down the victim’s accomplishments.
• Tend to be moody and unpredictable. They may be nice one minute and the next minute explosive. Explosiveness and mood swings are typical of men who beat their partners.
• May have a history of battering: the abuser may admit to hitting others in the past, but will claim the victim “asked for” it. An abuser will beat any woman he is with; situational circumstances do not make a person abusive.

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How dangerous is the abuser? Assessing lethality in an abuse situation:

Some domestic violence is life threatening. All domestic violence is dangerous, but some abusers are more likely to kill than others and some are more likely to kill at specific times. The likelihood of homicide is greater when the following factors are present:

1. Threats of homicide or suicide: The abuser may threaten to kill himself, the victim, the children, relatives, friends, or someone else;
2. Plans for homicide or suicide: The more detailed the abuser’s plan and the more available the method, the greater the risk he will use deadly force;
3. Weapons: The abuser possesses weapons, and has threatened to use them in the past against the victim, the children, or himself. If the abuser has a history of arson, fire should be considered a weapon;
4. "Ownership" of the victim: The abuser says things like "If I can’t have you no one can" or "I would rather see you dead than have you divorce me". The abuser believes he is absolutely entitled to the obedience and loyalty of the victim;
5. Centrality of victim to the abuser: The abuser idolizes the victim, depending heavily on him or her to organize and sustain the abuser’s life, or the abuser isolates the victim from outside supports;
6. Separation violence: The abuser believes he is about to lose the victim;
7. Repeated calls to law enforcement: A history of violence is indicated by repeated police involvement;
8. Escalation of risk-taking: The abuser has begun to act without regard to legal or social consequences that previously constrained his violence; and
9. Hostage taking: He is desperate enough to risk the life of innocent persons by taking hostages. There is a very serious likelihood of the situation turning deadly.

Battered and Abused Men:

Most of us recognize that men experience verbal and emotional abuse at the hands of women, less well accepted or admitted is the fact of physical abuse. In our society, we think of women as the victims and men as the aggressors in physical abuse. The fact that women are more likely to be severely injured in domestic violence adds to the problem of recognizing male abuse. Nevertheless, it happens - frequently. In fact, men are just as likely to be seriously injured when a woman becomes violent because women are more likely to use weapons in the course of an assault. If a male client indicates that his girlfriend or partner assaulted him, believe him. A man will find it harder to discuss his pain with you than will a woman, and even harder to admit to being a victim. It is easier to attribute an injury to a sports mishap or workplace accident than to admit to a doctor or police officer it resulted from domestic violence.

Facts:

1. Fewer men report abuse. They are ashamed to report being abused by women.
2. Health care and law enforcement professionals are more likely to accept alternative explanations of abuse from a man. They will believe other reasons for the presence of bruises and other signs of injury.
3. Our justice system often takes the word of the woman above the word of the man in abuse cases. It is just more believable that the aggressor was the man, not the woman.
4. Men are more likely to tolerate the pain of abuse than women. They "grin and bear it” more. And again, many are ashamed to seek medical help for abuse.
5. Unless a woman uses a weapon, she usually does not have the strength to inflict injury.

Abused men are as likely as their female counterparts are to have low self-esteem. People can come to believe that they are somehow responsible for what happened. People cling to the hope that things will get better: that the woman he "loves" will quit when their relationship is better adjusted, or the children get older and show more responsibility. These are all pretty much the same excuses women make for remaining with men who batter them.

Are you abused? Does the person you love…

• "Track" all of your time?
• Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful?
• Discourage your relationships with family and friends?
• Prevent you from working or attending school?
• Criticize you for little things?
• Become angry easily when drinking or abusing drugs?
• Control all finances and force you to account for what you spend?
• Humiliate you in front of others?
• Destroy your personal property or items with sentimental value?
• Hit, punch, slap, kick, or bite you or the children?
• Use or threaten to use a weapon against you?
• Threaten to hurt you or hurt the children?
• Force you to have sex against your will?

Below is a list of things Jerry can do to help himself:

• Tell friends he trusts.
• Make safety arrangements such as:
  • Leaving the relationship;
  • Finding a safe place to go; and
  • Changing his phone number and/or locks.
• Telephone a domestic violence hotline or shelter and:
  • Talk to a worker;
  • Find out about his legal rights; or
  • See a counsellor - separately or with Lisa.
• Gain the support of witnesses, when possible.
• Take notes detailing dates, times and what occurred.
• Phone 911 when Lisa becomes physically abusive.

Abuse Checklists:

Below is a self-assessment quiz to help you determine if you are being abused. You may be suffering abuse even if you answer, “Yes” to only a few questions.

You may be becoming or already are a victim of abuse if you:

• Feel like you have to "walk on eggshells" to keep him/her from getting angry and are frightened by his/her temper.
• Feel you can't live without him/her.
• Stop seeing other friends or family, or give up activities you enjoy because he/she doesn't like them.
• Are afraid to tell him/her your worries and feelings about the relationship.
• Are often compliant because you are afraid to hurt his/her feelings; and have the urge to "rescue" him/her when he/she is troubled.
• Feel that you are the only one who can help him/her and that you should try to "reform" him/her.
• Find yourself apologizing to yourself or others for your partner's behaviour when you are treated badly.
• Stop expressing opinions if he/she doesn't agree with them.
• Stay because you feel he/she will kill him/herself if you leave.
• Believe that his/her jealousy is a sign of love.
• Have been kicked, hit, shoved, or had things thrown at you by him/her when he/she was jealous or angry.
• Believe the critical things he/she says to make you feel bad about yourself.
• Believe that there is something wrong with you if you don't enjoy the sexual things he/she makes you do.
• Believe in the traditional ideas of what a man and a woman should be and do -- that the man makes the decisions and the woman pleases him.

Our Deepest Fear

Our Deepest Fear

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others."

~ Marianne Williamson - from "A Return To Love"

REMOVING BITTERNESS FROM YOUR LIFE

REMOVING BITTERNESS FROM YOUR LIFE

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Ephesians 4:31-32
Bitterness and resentment are poisons that destroy our lives. We have all been hurt or caused hurt to someone else. Yes, it hurts very badly, so we want to retaliate and hurt them for hurting us. What we usually end up doing is hurting someone else because of the discretion of another who had nothing to do with hurting us. As we all know, “hurt people hurt other people.”
Sadly, we usually become the thing we hate in someone else if we don’t forgive and let go of bitterness and resentment. We have been cheated on so we cheat on someone else; we have been abused, so we abuse others. When we are in bitterness, we move over into hate, which is akin to a heart to murder someone out of anger.
I once knew a woman who was sexually abused by her father, and was also later raped. As one can imagine, sexual abuse and rape is very painful and can cause various other issues. Out of her bitterness, resentment, and inability to forgive she became sexually promiscuous in an effort to punish men for the pain of her sexual abuse and rape. The last time we spoke several years ago, she stated she had been with over 65, men and half of those were within a six -month span of deep resentment and anger. She also had the mindset of “Men do it, why can’t women?” You see, her pain is associated with men; because of her bitterness, she hates or is distrustful of all men.
Please don’t live your life scarred, or playing victim. What is most important is that we judge ourselves and make the necessary corrections about ourselves. I am a firm believer that our pain is 90% self-inflicted. We have to always check our motives for wanting people in our life and ask ourselves if these motives are healthy. For example, did you want to explore a relationship because you just wanted companionship or sex? Was it lust based on sex or physical attraction? Money? His or her career, or social standing? Many times, we attract the wrong people because we are the wrong person for ourselves. You see, bad motives or selfish desires will produce negative results every time.
Even when our motives are pure we have to first make sure we are emotionally healthy enough to have a relationship. We have to first, heal from past pain and unresolved issues. Only then can we learn to be happy alone and love self before we can love anyone else.
God has given you the authority to set yourself free and release yourself from bitterness and pain. Please don’t allow injustices of other people to cause you to miss out on God’s best for your life. I was in a relationship once where I struggled to forgive the woman because I felt so, betrayed and used by her. Ultimately, it destroyed the relationship. I know first- hand how hard it is to forgive someone. I’ve cried many nights until my pillow was washed in tears. I deeply understand disappointment, pain and struggling to forgive myself and the people who hurt me. Walking around angry and bitter about who has hurt you causes you to live that pain daily. As long as you are bitter you will repeal happiness and peace in your life.

Here are ten tips to overcome bitterness and resentment:

1. Ask God to forgive you for being bitter and resentful. Then ask him to forgive who   has hurt you. “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your father will not forgive your sins. Matt. 6:14
2. Don’t allow the bad that happened to keep you from God’s best.
3. Don’t enter a relationship or date because you will only hurt someone else.
4. Pray daily for God to heal you and research scriptures to study and apply to your life daily.
5. God will bring the justice. Your instruction is to forgive.
6. When you forgive you remove the offender’s power to hurt you. Accept what has happened and understand you have to heal. Seek professional help if necessary
7. Understand that when we continue to walk around hurt and bitter, the people who have hurt us are hurting us every day and in most cases, have moved on and are enjoying life.
8. Allow God to help you forgive and forget. Some of us don’t trust God; thus, we continue living in pain. Don’t forget to continue to ask God to forgive who has hurt you. Ask God to bless their life and heal them as well.
9. Understand that forgetting means you are letting go of what they did to you. It does not mean you have amnesia.
10. Don’t feel or act like you have to seek revenge. The Bible teaches us God will bring us our justice. He knows what was done to you and what you have done to others. “God will repay the exact compensation owed to us. He will settle and solve the cases of his people.” Hebrews 10:30