Dear
Lifehacker,
My friend hasn’t been herself lately. She seems terribly sad and withdrawn, and
I don’t know how to help her. What’s the best way to approach someone who might
be depressed?
Signed,
A Concerned Friend
Dear
ACF,
Kudos to you for looking for a way to help your friend. It’s hard to see
someone you care about sink into sadness, and to not know what to say or do to
help. Depression is an illness that affects a great many people—not just the one out of every
10 adults in the US suffering from major or clinical depression, but
the people close to them too. To help you find the best way to support your
friend, I sought advice from mental health experts, and also deep-dived into my
and others’ personal experience with this important issue. Here’s what you need
to know.
What
Depression Is (And What It Isn't)
This
picture made me laugh. I totally understand it.
The
first step is to understand, as much as possible, what your friend is going
through. From the outside, depression could look like regular sadness—the kind
that touches all of our lives at times and brings us down before we eventually
move on. Depression, however, is more extreme: symptoms last longer, emotions
are more intense, and everyday life is simply harder to maintain. Clinical psychologist
Dr. Jeffrey DeGroat offers this example:
A person who is sad may
not study for a few days, avoid going out with friends over the weekend, or
skip a couple days of school/work. While a friend who is depressed might not
study for weeks on end, avoid spending time with friends and family for weeks
on end, and may fail classes or lose their job.
In a
clarion call that will likely rival his insta-legendary "everything's
amazing and nobody's happy" diatribe delivered nearly… Read…
Depression
is not sadness. Sadness is common, normal, and, many would say, essential to us as human beings. You might be able to cheer up
a sad friend with jokes, encouragement, or problem-solving. Depression, on the
other hand, is a medical illness or disorder that can sometimes be devastating
(every 30 seconds, somewhere in the world someone takes his or her life. Note:
If your friend seems suicidal, go straight to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline—or your area's equivalent
if you're outside the US—for advice.) You can’t talk or distract a
person out of depression any more than you can talk or distract someone out of
having the flu or a heart attack. Often, people with depression don’t know why
they have that overwhelming feeling of despair or, on the flipside, extreme
apathy. Sometimes it doesn't make any sense. Comedian Kevin Breel stated it so
well in his TED talk:
Real depression isn't
being sad when something in your life goes wrong. Real depression is being sad
when everything in your life is going right.
I get
what he was going for, but if someone is truly depressed, like I often am, and
I have been clinically diagnosed with such, it doesn't often make a difference
if someone's life is going wrong or right, the cloudy grey sky is always
present with no possibility of ever lifting.
Looking
back at my own experience, it can feel like you're in a dark hole, like the air
has been squeezed out of you, and, at its worst point, feeling completely numb.
But people who are depressed are usually pretty good at pretending otherwise for fear of scaring people away. If you
want to know more about what it’s really like, go read this incredibly
brilliant and accurate explanation (in web comic form) by Hyperbole and a Half.
I study
psych, I've got a degree in it, I'm aiming to get a higher degree in it and
become a psychologist, I've many friends that suffer from depression and fight
it myself. This comic is the single BEST item I have ever found for
understanding, or voicing what depression is. Ally deserves some serious
recognition for it, because it can be really hard to explain this when you are
depressed and people are trying to understand.
So thank you for citing it in this article.
Thank
you so much for citing this! As someone who suffers from chronic depression,
it's the thing that's made me most feel "yes, this!".
For
many people (especially those of us in the northern hemisphere) September is
the beginning of fall, and with the fall months come the winter… Read…
Unfortunately,
depression is hard for even mental health professionals to pinpoint and treat,
since there are several different forms of this illness, from debilitating
major depression to more unique forms, such as Seasonal
Affective Disorder (SAD) and postpartum depression. The signs of depression also vary by individual and can include
extreme sadness, irritability, difficulty concentrating, and/or just a feeling
of emptiness.
The
most important thing to know is depression is more serious than sadness, and so
there are some things that are better to say and do than others.
What You
Can Do to Help
It's
hard, too, to be on the outside and not know why someone you care about is all
of the sudden in the dumps and no longer enjoying things they used to or should
love. As a friend, the best thing you can do is listen and be there for the
person. Here are some tips:
Be
honest and express your concerns. Dr. DeGroat recommends
noting any significant changes in behavior, mood, or personality, and then trying
to talk to the person about it:
People
can exhibit symptoms of depression in many different ways: sadness,
irritability, social withdrawal, self-destructive behaviors, loss of interest
in activities, change in appetite, change in sleep, and so on. Therefore,
rather than determining if your friend or loved one is depressed based on one
symptom or another, I would recommend noting if there is any significant change
in the person’s behaviors, mood, or personality.
If
there is, I would recommend beginning by asking your friend how things are
going. Your friend may be primed and ready to discuss their feelings, and your
invitation to talk might be just what they were waiting for.
You might say something
like, “I’ve noticed you’ve seemed really down lately. Is something bothering
you?”
Don’t
offer advice or try to “fix” them. If your friend wants to
talk, acknowledge/validate her feelings—”That sounds rough. I’m sorry you’re
feeling that way”—without offering advice or positive platitudes (”You’ll get
over it!” “Look on the bright side!” “Do yoga while watching the sunrise!”). As
James Altucher writes:
Nobody wants to die. But
its hard to go from wanting to die to suddenly being cheered up. If you say, “I
want to die” and everyone else says, “oh, cheer up, there’s so much to live
for” that’s sometimes a hard thing to hear. It’s not like you’re going to suddenly
say, “you know what? You are totally right. I’m cheered up now!”
You
cannot solve their problems. Your job is to become a better listener and just
be there for the person. Specific things to avoid saying, according to Ventre Medical Associates include:
·
"There's nothing really wrong with you. It's all in your
head."
·
"Your life is great. What do you even have to be depressed
about?"
·
"Would you just snap out of it already?"
Dear
Lifehacker, This year has been a very difficult one for me. A close friend
passed away and a few other people I know also lost loved ones. I… Read…
Make
sure they know you’re there for them. If your friend denies
any problems or doesn’t want to talk, don’t force them to admit they’re
depressed, Dr. Groat says. Instead, stay in contact frequently (emails, quick
calls to say hello), much like you would if a loved one
is grieving. Ventre Medical Associates says you can show support by
offering to do something together: "Even if they don't have interest in
the activity itself, the social bonding may help reinforce the fact that they
need not suffer alone." Check on if she's eating okay, sleeping well,
getting sunlight, and exercise. Even doing just one small thing daily, like
making the bed every morning, can help when you feel overwhelmed.
Don’t
take it personally. Hope Racine writes on the Huffington Post about a few lessons she learned while
loving someone with depression, including stop wondering if you somehow caused
the depression. Also, trying to help someone in emotional distress can be
draining and stressful for you, so remember to take care of your own emotional
health too.
Enlist
the help of others. You can get guidance from a professional (a school guidance
counselor, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, or others you know) to
help find the best strategy to help a loved one. You could also talk with
friends in common to do the same.
Help
the other person understand about depression, if you can. If
you've been through depression yourself, sharing that fact could take away any
fear the person has of sharing what they're going through. Just keep in mind
that there's no one-size-fits-all "solution" to depression, so your
experience and what might have helped you isn't necessarily appropriate for the
other person. Some people need medication just be able to get out of bed in the
morning, others find psychotherapy helpful, others take it one episode at a
time.
Regardless,
it would help to show your friend you understand that depression isn't: a sign
of weakness, something they should be embarrassed about, or something they
should hide. Depression carries a terrible stigma, and that keeps people from
getting the help they need. You can refer your friend to these resources to
show that they're not alone, those feelings won't last forever, and the
condition is treatable:
Suggest
counseling or other medical professional help. If
your friend's depressive symptoms are interfering with life (e.g., failing out
of school, skipping work frequently, avoiding social contact, engaging in risky
behaviors, and so on), Dr. DeGroat says he'd recommend talking to them about
seeing a psychologist or therapist. You could help your friend find a center or
a therapist (and if the therapist doesn't work out, as sometimes happens,
encourage her to keep at it until she finds someone who can help. It takes
time.).
What if
they want you to back off or are reluctant to get help? Remind them that
sometimes we need to get a mental check-up just like we get other medical
exams. You might have to collaborate with other friends and family members if
it gets very serious and your friend still resists. No one would avoid the
doctor if they were having severe heart pain or broke their leg, depression is
no less of an important health issue.
Again,
most importantly, if your friend begins to express any hints she might hurt
herself or someone else, you should contact the authorities for help because
you can't do this on your own. This is the number again for the National
Suicide Prevention Hotline: : 1–800–273-TALK (8255).
Sincerely,
Lifehacker
.
